In February God started working on my heart and challenging me to trust Him completely with my future. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I had made it my back-up plan when maybe it should be my only plan. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that it would be an amazing opportunity to go and do something for more than myself. But, I liked my comfortableness. I didn't want to give it up.
Then, on February 14, Valentine's Day, a day I'm extra emotional anyways because I haven't had a valentine since 7th grade, my pastor gives a sermon that cuts down all my defenses. He preached about phileo love. It's a relational type of love and when applied to our Christian lives, it is the kind of love we have in relationship with God. But the words that really struck me in his sermon is when he started pointing out what phileo love with God looks like. He asked the question, "Do you love God enough to give up your comfort?" That hit me so hard that I broke down on the spot.
I knew that I had trust issues. But I always thought I was pretty good at loving God-not perfect, but better at loving Him than trusting Him. But here my pastor was, pointing out that trust and love go hand-in-hand. Not trusting God with my future was the same as not loving Him. And if I truly want to love God, then I need to trust Him with everything-even if it means giving up my comfortable life. That's when I really made the decision to go to the mission field. A lot has happened to confirm that I'm supposed to go, but I'll get into that in another post. For now, you should know that I am hoping to leave for Africa sometime in July 2011.